


for a day that will pass (so, for every day)

by Elisye



Category: Original Work
Genre: Death, Experimental Style, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Unhealthy Relationships, Unreliable Narrator, these tags look really sinister but IM REALLY JUST DOING A WRITING THING lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 16:20:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19397824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elisye/pseuds/Elisye
Summary: don't you ever wonder about the heart?





	for a day that will pass (so, for every day)

i think

that the human heart can be something wonderful.

there's something powerful about it. the power of emotions. to feel is to be - to feel - wonderful. that's how it can be.

that's how i'd like it to be.

but emotions - can be rather ugly.

they can be dark and crude. they can will the most horrible of moralities into existence.

i'd like to dream of something soft, like ice cream and teddy bears.

the heart is lovely.

it's also terrible.

black and lonely and

i love to love. i want to keep loving

but the most magical thing about the heart - is that it brings connection.

strings tied and gathered together.

it happens, sometimes.

but the strings keep unraveling around me.

i'm no fool. but i want to be blind to this.

human connection is something really wonderful. to breathe as almost one. to think as almost one. to share our light and our dark, like an exchange of rings in the most made-up of human traditions.

our hearts are a little faulty, since we can't always understand what we see and give and receive. but sometimes, sometimes, we can feel it as if it came from ourselves.

that's so wonderful.

i want the same

strings, unraveling

i read somewhere, recently - something along the lines of things remaining, long after they have ceased to be.

it was a story about humans.

i shouldn't be jealous about tragedies, but a part of me - it thought -

i thought

that i'd like the same.

i want that sort of lasting feeling.

but i don't want to be the impression.

i want to be the person holding onto the remains.

i want to feel so closely and so overwhelmingly

i want to feel a connection so true that my heart could possibly fracture.

i know, a bit, maybe, though. that even if i feel something like that, it might just be a burden i don't want after all.

and moreover, that what i feel isn't clear.

clear in the sense that - what i feel is one-sided.

that the other end of my beloved, rued connection isn't true.

the heart is a little faulty, and sometimes doesn't understand other people. this is so even when we feel as if we know each other as well as the name of colors.

tears

i'm afraid, a little. of seeing a vision - a dream that i made, on the other end of the string.

even so

i want to feel it. the light and the dark of another person's heart. and i, selfishly, want them to know what's in my heart as well.

i haven't felt anything like that. but it sounds so beautiful.

even if it can also be painful.

still. i wonder. even if you disappear, and i'm left here, what will i do?

i get the strongest inkling that i will consider it a duty of some sort. that i have to carry the feelings that we felt and shared, a perpetual memorial. i must walk and live with you as my string to life instead.

did you know, deep down,

i really, really don't want to be here?

i want to tell someone that. i want to say it so that it leaves me like a thoughtless exhale.

i want everything about me, sans perhaps reason, to think - yes. our connection will never falter. i can trust you, right?

people's lifespans are getting longer. but people can die long before our bodies decide to.

so, technically, ive lived only for a short time. but also just a little bit long enough that i might be somewhat old too.

i haven't found anyone i can entrust my heart to.

ive doubted this for a while now, but i might as well verbalize it - maybe i won't ever find someone like that.

which is why, maybe, i want someone to entrust their heart to me

and then, perhaps, for them to disappear

in that undeniable, final way.

because that is the closest thing to a mutual connection.

because i may misinterpret their heart, and they will not have my heart. but even so, in order to be entrusted with something, i must be a person of a certain caliber to them. it might not be trust, i might just be some random stranger that they rambled to at a bar before vanishing from my life. even so, i was entrusted with something. and, in the most ideal of cases, we will have shared something without a doubt genuine with each other - a shared sentiment, happiness and silliness and grief, maybe. it wouldn't be something to regret or to wonder about, as we would just know. it would be something just that sincere.

and so, in such a dream-like case

i wish

for that. for something like that - to weigh me down.

even as i look at the world with fear

your ghost will wrap your hands around me, my neck and my heart, and whisper.

not to stay.

instead, remember.

remember.

remember me

and all that we had and were

you might have a grave. ashes. family. friends. material and emotional remains.

you wouldn't need me, in that case. other people will remember you. there are physical markers of your existence, the place and the time and the air that you took up, for a little while.

but still.

perhaps it's me that needs you. probably. sounds about right.

have i said before that im a very selfish person?

still. i want that memorial.

a grey, drifting thing etched into my memories. something that wavers along the edge of my mind, at times reminding me about you and what happened to us. nothing persistent, it tends to sleep, almost as if nothing happened.

but sometimes, you'll wake up, and remind me. and whenever it happens,

i want to pause, and look at the world, and feel the world

i want everything to halt and change and never transform

something ambivalent like that

perhaps surreal, perhaps disconnecting, but. not quite that, i think?

i want to pause and look and feel the world.

and when i do so, i want the light to seem different, and the sounds of society and its human beings to ring in a way that i might just staring at a monochrome hole in the fabric of reality. maybe. something like that.

the point is.

well.

im not sure.

i detracted away from something quite a bit, i feel.

but at some point, things were overwhelming and sincere, all of it.

meaningful.

i certainly say things. sometimes i backspace on them.

a lot, throughout, ive said one thing when i meant something else. i backspace on the mistake and write what is intended.

i wonder what i really wanted to write - when i said, at some point, the word nothing instead of something.

either way, i backspaced on that, and wrote something instead of nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> ok so i know this all reads very worryingly but lmao im really just trying to get back into writing a more first-person style, in case i ever wanna get into a legit writer/publishing business thing and they........... prefer....................... first-person, for whatever reason
> 
> but i also wanna have my Own kinda first-person, something that's just v me and my current style anyway lmao
> 
> (also i lowkey wanna make a comic so this is just also some weirdass comic dialogue script thing i guess?????????????)


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